September 25, 2013
If only I knew then what I know now would things have been different?
Honestly, I don’t know. As far as I’m concerned I’m still pretty much the same person especially during times like this. When I’m stuck in my head and inside my chest there’s a ticking time bomb waiting to explode. No not really the best description because a time bomb would sit patiently ticking away waiting for the right time to detonate. No this one’s like trying to stop a leaking dike during a storm. You could hear the waves pounding like crazy against the wall and any moment its going to burst in and engulf everything in its path and its futile to stop it.
Self destructive. That’s one way of describing it. But then again I question the word “self” because when it happens it’s like watching somebody else take the wheels. Someone without caution. Someone who doesn’t care about the rules or consequences. Someone who’s willing to act out all of the things you’re so afraid to do. All the anger and rage on the driver’s seat and you sit shotgun in fear and at the same time, anticipation of where its going to take you.
Well it did alot of damage alright. Some more permanent than others. And then you’re left to pick up all the pieces swearing you’d never do it again. But then it happens again.
It would all start innocently first with the disappointments that you can easily handle. You tell yourself you’ve encountered so many that you’re so used to it by now and then you allow yourself a bit of escape just to clear off your head. And then you realize it’s not enough and you take a little more and some more and then another. And then the guilt sets in.
For most people guilt happens in the end but for you it just the prelude to the darkness that settles in after the guilt. You draw back from the world inside your head where no one can reach you. You embrace your loneliness like it was your long lost bestfriend. So familliar, you’ve been in each others arms so many times before. In the darkness you start dreaming. Dreaming of a different life of a better one where you didn’t get the short straw. That’s when all the interesting things start to happen.
Your mind starts racing imagning and conjuring different possibilities of the what could be and what should be. Then what follows is the yearning and longing. Of the imagined life that could never be once the dream is over.
You look around you and see how pale reality is compared to the technicolored dreams. And you grow spiteful and bitter about all the wasted efforts about all the failures and you tell yourself its not anger no its not something as petty as that but righteous indignation against a cruel world. And with that justification you pull the pin. The floodgates are now open.
And you wish the flood would take away all these emotions inside of you and for awhile it does. The aftermath has no guilt because you did it eyes wide open knowing fully well that only the ocean could engulf the burning hell of fury brewing inside you. And in the middle of all the destruction you find peace like you’ve always done before. Until the next cycle.
So I ask myself. Knowing what I know now could I do things differently? Is there any other way to live?
June 24, 2013
No! I won’t wear a mark on my forehead saying 666
Not because I deny my reality
I know I’m different now
But I will not let this define me
I am so much more
I am still me
I am what I’m still yet to become
this fear hanging over my shoulder
this sadness in my heart
I must admit it is powerful
and sometimes I get overwhelmed
and shed tears for what I thought was denied of me
for the broken pieces of the what if’s and what could have been’s
let me cry for now
light a candle if you must
but I will not be branded
I know I am still more
you may clip my wings
but my spirit
September 17, 2009
It was the magician that gave me the push towards my decision to stay. He was doing a trick with a string while relating something that his mother told him. As he was cutting off portions of the string using fire from a lighter he shared that;
“Most people whenever they encounter hardships, difficulties or even just plain bad luck our first instinct is to detach ourselves and walk away. We become depressed and our world stops as we choose to hide away and so the learning and the growing stops as well.”
“But the truth is the world just keeps on turning even without us and we get left behind because of this.” He said as he was rolling the pieces of string together in his hand and added, “But it might be a better idea if we hold on and stay and learn from the problems that we face.” and after that he revealed the pieces of string has joined into a single piece once again. “so that we can continue on growing and moving together with the rest of the world.”
I may not be religious but I believe that God tries to reach us in different ways. I believe that he wanted me to find out about the sad news that I received earlier this week that made me think of detaching myself. I also believe that he sent that magician that night to deliver me that message that I should stay.
It is his gift to me however sad a fact it may be, it still is the truth and He is the God of truth and he wants me to learn and make something out of it.
August 13, 2009
I took them out of my secret hiding place and one gloomy afternoon I threw them all up in the sky. I sought to find release from my burden only to see them return from the sky, falling daggers being called back to earth by the pull of gravity. I knew this was inevitable (which is why I kept them locked for so long), that some of them will find him but I never really considered the fact, that I would get struck as well.One by one they struck us but I kept a brave face all througout. This was supposed to free us but why did it hurt so much?
I have been told once that some things are better left unsaid. Ive also been known to say that complete honesty is overrated if it will only cause pain and trouble. So why was I doing this? Am I so selfish and thoughtless to cause both of us pain just because I couldnt carry my burden anymore? And what about the burden? The truth that I was weak in the face of doubt. That I am not consistent in my beleiefs. That I didnt know anything. That I was scared. My heart was ripping apart as each of them struck him and in pain he told me i betrayed him.
But have I? I am not sure. I am inclined to believe so. I would like to take all the blame and make it all better again take him in my arms and hope he forgets everything. But I knew that once I let them all out I could never take them back even I couldnt ignore their existence anymore the way I have done in the past. I am not sure if what I have done was wrong or right and I am not even sure if I want to be right.I dont think I even care anymore if I was. I only feel the pain of my guilt for my betrayal. For in withholding my doubts and keeping silent I too have betrayed his trust.
But what is trust? is trust the absence of doubt? or is it the overcoming of it? I am hoping it is the latter so that atleast I may have some reprieve for my sin for enduring my doubts for so long and keeping them at bay.
I feel overwhelmed right now like a child who had played with matchstick and discovering I have created a fire I have no control over watching it consume everything I know. I am praying I did the right thing that maybe somehow if we weren’t really meant to be this would free us from false bonds and give us a brighter future with the ones we are really meant to be with but my worse nightmare is that I may have destroyed something good in my weakness, in my ignorance.
As with everything else in life. History will be my judge.
July 28, 2009
I asked to borrow my boyfriend’s mobile under the pretense that I wanted to play the games in it while he goes inside the doctors office to have a skin allergy checked. I’ve promised myself I would never do something like this. I repeated to myself what I’ve always told my friends whenever they would share to me problems like these “trust is your gift to yourself it is not for the benefit of your partner but for your own peace of mind” but I was already in too deep. With just a couple more key presses I was in his in box and confirmed that he was back to his old habits. I didn’t even need to look at the exact messages. But I did get to read one it said Nathan 27 Pasay. Three words that spoke volumes of possibilities. I switched back to playing the game and gave him smile as he walked out the doors of the doctor’s office. I never told or asked him about it.
Weeks before that I caught him as I handed him my phone to show him a message from my sister we were at my house, sitting together on the couch, watching tv . He was scrolling through my other messages. Ive always been confident about showing him my phone because I was never a big fan of texting so I rarely correspond using it even with my friends or family much more with complete strangers. But at that time I saw him read the message sent by someone he doesn’t know someone I never mentioned to him although there wasn’t any malice behind me not telling because the texter was a friends boyfriend. He just texted to say that it was nice meeting me. He didn’t ask me about it so I didn’t bother to explain. There was no use in telling him that – although I would consider my friends boyfriend fairly humpable (and that letting him diddle me did cross my mind for at least five seconds while we were getting drunk on sweet red wine in the club and that the possibility of that happening may not be entirely improbable because dear old friend was in Singapore so he asked his boyfriend to meet up with me and our other friends who came home from Australia as his proxy to our bi-annual pseudo reunion) I would never touch a friend’s boyfriend not even with a twelve foot stick! In fact I would even prohibit myself from liking someone if my friend would have a crush on him but then he didn’t need to know about all that because he never asked.
But the strangest of all these was the fact that if he did what I suspected him to have done in retaliation to what he suspected me of doing I would understand and I wouldn’t even blame him. Because I think I may have done something far worse than cheating on him. I think my inability to share my own personal burdens with another living soul may have caused me to push him away so far that right now I cant even find him in my heart anymore.
November 25, 2008
(this is a repost from my old blogsite dated 1/10/2007)
His kisses were intense, not in a passionate way, it felt more like hunger. there was force and animal like frenzy but no warmth behind it. you can imagine a vampire cold as death itself trying to suck out the life force from his victim in a vain attempt to immitate what real passion would look like, while this “just turned 30″ year old guy was almost devouring the lower part of my face. but if he were a vampire he certainly picked the wrong victim.
Actually he also “just turned 30″ two years ago. that was the first time we met. At that time, i was still naive and generally clueless about most things. that time there was still youth to be sucked out from me. i guess he didn’t recognize me anymore. i changed alot since then. but if theres one thing that remains the same about me, its that i never forget a face. especially if that face belongs to a guy who i told right in his face that he looked like my dad. well looking at him as his face was dimly lit by the incadescent lighting he uses in his pad which i suspect he uses to hide the seven signs of skin aging (nag oil of olay na lang sana siya) he still looks like my dad.
My mind must have been playing tricks on me because he was a lot better in my memories than he was during that time. Him being a scorpio and all. I was kinda expecting more. But now I’m seeing him like I didn’t see him before. From the lighting that he uses to mask how he really looks like to the way he ravages you all over your body like hyennas would over the carcass of a fallen prey to hide the fact that he doesn’t know how to make love at all because it felt like he was trying to chew off my lips and why he would hold you down or turn your attention elsewhere because he couldn’t really get it up for too long. I didn’t really feel any animosity towards him even after what he did to me over two years ago. Infact I was kind of sad for him. Especially because he’s still using his pictures back when he was 25 years old to pick up guys over the internet.
No he didn’t break my heart or anything like that. I was naive at the time but i wasn’t stupid. I didn’t buy into any of those things he was saying before. But i must admit there was a glint of hope behind there somewhere. A hope that what if there was the slightest possibility that he wasn’t just spewing off bs. And thats what he used before to lure me in. And my reason for being there now? Just plain curiosity. Curious if he was going to recognize me. Curious if he was gonna do the same tricks he did before, recite the same tired old lines. He did attempt though but when he saw my indifference and found out that his carefully mastered verses has fallen to deaf ears he surrendered and just took it as it is. that this time around he had a willing participant who knew what was happening exactly as it is and has no dillusions otherwise.
Before I came up to his pad I noticed a name of a guy who also went to his place a day before on the guest log book. I was wondering if the name was the same age as I was when i first went there. But I certainly wasn’t the same guy who went up there 2 years ago. I guess I already lost that glint of hope that struggles to flicker in the dark no matter how shitty things were. that very same hope that gives you faith in people and makes you trust them.
It’s funny when things come into full circle like this. You get to see things from a different perspective. But the catch is, you’re not quite sure if you’re worse or better off. Am i lucky now that i can no longer be fooled by the deception the vampires play? Or am i unfortunate because I have lost a piece of my innocence that which might be the thing that the vampire desires to regain as he consumes his victims? Am i to become one of them? walking the earth longing to regain that which i have lost through my unsuspecting victims with deception and lies.
When I got off his car he said something about keeping in touch. I said “yeah sure” without even trying to sound like i mean it. and walked away.
November 25, 2008
For his birthday gift I allowed him to screw me for more than 5 minutes.
Me and the guy I’ve been seeing (for at least 2 months by then) were hanging out at my friend’s place. We we’re watching DVD’s and then afterwards took a dip in the pool for the afternoon. After all the activities my friend got so exhausted that he took a nap on the sofa while we were lying on the bed watching a movie about a guy living with his wife and gay lover. He wanted to do it and has been bugging me the whole day. At first he wanted to do me in the kitchen but I certainly wouldn’t have that. I may be kinky at times but I’m no exhibitionist specially when its a friend of mine who would catch me. I’m sure I’ll never hear the end of it for the rest of my life. And then there were more pressing matters that I wanted to talk about.
I wanted to wait for another time to say it to him but then I know for a fact that it will be a long time before we see each other again with our crazy schedules and all. So i told him why I’ve been having a hard time. Why its been so difficult to me to give my trust. To believe in the things I’m being told. And he told me about why he is so distant. Why he has been rushing me to commit into a relationship. Then I showed him my gift. Lube.
I signaled him to follow me to the shower while my friend was fast asleep on the couch. He immediately started kissing me all over my body as he undresses me at the same time. His lips went lower and lower until he was able to wrap it around the proof of my excitement. Then he turned me around and spread my legs apart as I grabbed hold of a towel rack while his tongue explores me from behind.
Gasping for air I managed to say “you could take your time this once”. I never allowed him (or anyone for that matter) to stay inside me for more than approximately five minutes before because by then it would already be so uncomfortable for me that I would lose all drive.
But it was more than the length of time, or the location that made this session different from the others. The talk prior to it, I guess made us emotionally charged. It was weird and exciting at the same time. He would carry me with my back against the bathroom wall and then down on the tiles of the bathroom floor where he would come and afterwards he would stay inside me as he finishes me off as I sit on his lap and we’re face to face soaked in each others sweat and saliva. It was one of the most passionate sex I ever had.
Five days later he would send me a text message telling me he went back to his ex-boyfriend and that I was just a rebound all that time.
November 12, 2008
Sometimes sexual tension is even better than sex itself. I myself am a bigger fan of foreplay than the actual coitus. The building up of excitement, the endless possibilities, will he or wouldn’t he? would i dare? yes, I’m a sucker for those. So sitting in front of a guy completely dressed trying to come up with something brilliant or even at least witty to say when all i really want to do is ask him to go with me to the rest room of the Star bucks we’re in so we can make a go at it, was sheer heaven.
It was the day before my 26th birthday and I didn’t have to go to work but then since it was the middle of the week none of my friends were available. Lucky for me a guy I used to chat with suddenly resurfaced out of nowhere. So he was my something to do for that day.
There he was sitting in front of me. He was nice enough to buy me another cup after I already finished the one that I got waiting for him because he wasn’t able to leave the office right away. He was far from what I had expected. Clean cut, soft spoken a little bit shorter than me with the preppy get up. Certainly not what you’d expect from a guy who once told me that he likes to bang straight guys up until the point that they would lose all sense of manhood that they wouldn’t feel they have the right to sleep with a woman ever again.
I told him this and all he could do was smile and blush ten shades of red. Thats when I knew I had him. So it was a grueling two hours of pretentious albeit profound conversation. As much as I wanted him to discuss with me how he does the pounding that takes away a guy’s masculinity I couldn’t because the darned place was so crowded and i think the lesbians from the next table were listening in on our conversation. So i had to content myself with the non verbal cues. the searing stares, the lip bites the naughty smirks. In the end it got so frustrating that we had to call it a night.
He did the sweetest thing and waited for me to catch a ride while we were standing across the street from each other. I texted him “what are you doing still standing there?” he replied, “waiting for birthday boy to get a ride.”.
In all honesty while I was on the bus home I thought to myself that I was glad that nothing did happen. It would’ve taken away the sweetness of the moment for me.
But then of course when I got home I quickly sent a message to a guy who lived nearby that I had drunken sex with once on the rooftop of his apartment building. This time around we did it at the part of the rooftop that houses the controls for the elevator, After sex we were sitting on the ledge of the roof deck staring at Makati’s skyline as it greeted the morning of my birthday and I told him what I’ve always wanted to tell him ever since we did it the first time. Puffing on the last stick of cigarette I brought with me I told him “You’re not really as good as you think you are.”
Now before you start judging me for being mean allow me to give you a brief backgrounder. The guy’s a jerk and he’s so full of himself thats why I never considered dating him because I would die first before I let anyone see me out with him but then he was a warm body and I was cold on my birthday. I did him a big favor by bringing him down to earth with the rest of us human beings and besides I did let him blow the candle on my birthday cake.
November 12, 2008
I awoke when he got into bed with me. He mumbled an explanation about seeing our friend just like he said he would before he left earlier that night, I didn’t bother to ask for details. Just like he always did he laid on his side of the bed with his back facing me and our feet tangled together. It was cold that night and noticing his shirtless back i raised the blanket to cover it. Without warning his hands found its way inside my boxers and grabbed a hold of my sleeping member. Thats the way he initiates sex. I wasn’t really feeling up to it that night tired from one whole day of trying to find a new apartment for him to move into but our relationship was on the rocks. I knew that moments like this were few and precious. So I obliged. He suddenly turned and gave me deep hungry kisses. Thats when I knew something was different. He never kissed me that way before. It was always gentle and loving. The way his mouth was pressed against mine it was like he was trying to suck the soul out of me. I ignored the thought and kissed back and felt him guiding me to his chest. I remember him telling me before when we were just starting to see each other that he likes the way I do foreplay comparing me to his then boyfriend who never did it for him. Just as I’ve always done I showered him with kisses until my mouth found its way to his navel and lower and lower until I raised his legs to let my tongue travel inside him. I looked up to see how I was doing. Then i saw him to discover that his hands were not on me, instead they were on a pillow covering his face. Thats when I knew, I was alone that night.
If it were porn and someone was watching us for the first time they would say that he was just enjoying it too much that he has to grab on to something and even had to put a pillow on his face to muffle screams of ecstasy. I tried to convince myself of that. But the whole time his hands wouldn’t reach out for me, wouldn’t allow me to shake the thought off my head. I tried to think that maybe it was just one of those times, maybe he was having a Delilah (as in Lilah-dee) moment or maybe its just my turn to be the active top tonight and him the passive bottom. I became so distracted that I wasn’t even able to will myself to get inside him. Finally we just decided to finish it with our own hands with him asking me to get on top of him. We were finally face to face but the room was pitch black that I couldn’t even see his eyes as I was trying to find reassurance that I was just being paranoid. When he came he gave me the same kiss once again. It was like kissing a stranger. I freed myself from his lips when it was my turn and buried my face on the pillow where his head rests. That time orgasm wasn’t the fruition of joy rather a relief from torture.
We didn’t shower together afterwards but then again we never do. But when I got back from washing up I did something for the first time myself, I slept with my back turned on him. That was the last time we ever slept together.