PUSH

I asked to borrow my boyfriend’s mobile under the pretense that I wanted to play the games in it while he goes inside the doctors office to have a skin allergy checked. I’ve promised myself I would never do something like this. I repeated to myself what I’ve always told my friends whenever they would share to me problems like these “trust is your gift to yourself it is not for the benefit of your partner but for your own peace of mind” but I was already in too deep. With just a couple more key presses I was in his in box and confirmed that he was back to his old habits. I didn’t even need to look at the exact messages. But I did get to read one it said Nathan 27 Pasay. Three words that spoke volumes of possibilities. I switched back to playing the game and gave him smile as he walked out the doors of the doctor’s office. I never told or asked him about it.

Weeks before that I caught him as I handed him my phone to show him a message from my sister we were at my house, sitting together on the couch, watching tv . He was scrolling through my other messages. Ive always been confident about showing him my phone because I was never a big fan of texting so I rarely correspond using it even with my friends or family much more with complete strangers. But at that time I saw him read the message sent by someone he doesn’t know someone I never mentioned to him although there wasn’t any malice behind me not telling because the texter was a friends boyfriend. He just texted to say that it was nice meeting me. He didn’t ask me about it so I didn’t bother to explain. There was no use in telling him that – although I would consider my friends boyfriend fairly humpable (and that letting him diddle me did cross my mind for at least five seconds while we were getting drunk on sweet red wine in the club and that the possibility of that happening may not be entirely improbable because dear old friend was in Singapore so he asked his boyfriend to meet up with me and our other friends who came home from Australia as his proxy to our bi-annual pseudo reunion) I would never touch a friend’s boyfriend not even with a twelve foot stick! In fact I would even prohibit myself from liking someone if my friend would have a crush on him but then he didn’t need to know about all that because he never asked.

But the strangest of all these was the fact that if he did what I suspected him to have done in retaliation to what he suspected me of doing I would understand and I wouldn’t even blame him. Because I think I may have done something far worse than cheating on him. I think my inability to share my own personal burdens with another living soul may have caused me to push him away so far that right now I cant even find him in my heart anymore.