The things left unsaid

August 13, 2009

I took them out of my secret hiding place and one gloomy afternoon I threw them all up in the sky. I sought to find release from my burden only to see them return from the sky, falling daggers being called back to earth by the pull of gravity. I knew this was inevitable (which is why I kept them locked for so long), that some of them will find him but I never really considered the fact, that I would get struck as well.One by one they struck us but I kept a brave face all througout. This was supposed to free us but why did it hurt so much?

I have been told once that some things are better left unsaid. Ive also been known to say that complete honesty is overrated if it will only cause pain and trouble. So why was I doing this? Am I so selfish and thoughtless to cause both of us pain just because I couldnt carry my burden anymore? And what about the burden? The truth that I was weak in the face of doubt. That I am not consistent in my beleiefs. That I didnt know anything. That I was scared. My heart was ripping apart as each of them struck him and in pain he told me i betrayed him.

But have I? I am not sure. I am inclined to believe so. I would like to take all the blame and make it all better again take him in my arms and hope he forgets everything. But I knew that once I let them all out I could never take them back even I couldnt ignore their existence anymore the way I have done in the past. I am not sure if what I have done was wrong or right and I am not even sure if I want to be right.I dont think I even care anymore if I was. I only feel the pain of my guilt for my betrayal. For in withholding my doubts and keeping silent I too have betrayed his trust.

But what is trust? is trust the absence of doubt? or is it the overcoming of it? I am hoping it is the latter so that atleast I may have some reprieve for my sin for enduring my doubts for so long and keeping them at bay.

I feel overwhelmed right now like a child who had played with matchstick and discovering I have created a fire I have no control over watching it consume everything I know. I am praying I did the right thing that maybe somehow if we weren’t really meant to be this would free us from false bonds and give us a brighter future with the ones we are really meant to be with but my worse nightmare is that I may have destroyed something good in my weakness, in my ignorance.

As with everything else in life. History will be my judge.