September 25, 2013

If only I knew then what I know now would things have been different?

Honestly, I don’t know. As far as I’m concerned I’m still pretty much the same person especially during times like this. When I’m stuck in my head and inside my chest there’s a ticking time bomb waiting to explode. No not really the best description because a time bomb would sit patiently ticking away waiting for the right time to detonate. No this one’s like trying to stop a leaking dike during a storm. You could hear the waves pounding like crazy against the wall and any moment its going to burst in and engulf everything in its path and its futile to stop it.

Self destructive. That’s one way of describing it. But then again I question the word “self” because when it happens it’s like watching somebody else take the wheels. Someone without caution. Someone who doesn’t care about the rules or consequences. Someone who’s willing to act out all of the things you’re so afraid to do. All the anger and rage on the driver’s seat and you sit shotgun in fear and at the same time, anticipation of where its going to take you.

Well it did alot of damage alright. Some more permanent than others. And then you’re left to pick up all the pieces swearing you’d never do it again. But then it happens again.

It would all start innocently first with the disappointments that you can easily handle. You tell yourself you’ve encountered so many that you’re so used to it by now and then you allow yourself a bit of escape just to clear off your head. And then you realize it’s not enough and you take a little more and some more and then another. And then the guilt sets in.

For most people guilt happens in the end but for you it just the prelude to the darkness that settles in after the guilt. You draw back from the world inside your head where no one can reach you. You embrace your loneliness like it was your long lost bestfriend. So familliar, you’ve been in each others arms so many times before. In the darkness you start dreaming. Dreaming of a different life of a better one where you didn’t get the short straw. That’s when all the interesting things start to happen.

Your mind starts racing imagning and conjuring different possibilities of the what could be and what should be. Then what follows is the yearning and longing. Of the imagined life that could never be once the dream is over.

You look around you and see how pale reality is compared to the technicolored dreams. And you grow spiteful and bitter about all the wasted efforts about all the failures and you tell yourself its not anger no its not something as petty as that but righteous indignation against a cruel world. And with that justification you pull the pin. The floodgates are now open.

And you wish the flood would take away all these emotions inside of you and for awhile it does. The aftermath has no guilt because you did it eyes wide open knowing fully well that only the ocean could engulf the burning hell of fury brewing inside you. And in the middle of all the destruction you find peace like you’ve always done before. Until the next cycle.

So I ask myself. Knowing what I know now could I do things differently? Is there any other way to live?