PUSH

July 28, 2009

push

I asked to borrow my boyfriend’s mobile under the pretense that I wanted to play the games in it while he goes inside the doctors office to have a skin allergy checked. I’ve promised myself I would never do something like this. I repeated to myself what I’ve always told my friends whenever they would share to me problems like these “trust is your gift to yourself it is not for the benefit of your partner but for your own peace of mind” but I was already in too deep. With just a couple more key presses I was in his in box and confirmed that he was back to his old habits. I didn’t even need to look at the exact messages. But I did get to read one it said Nathan 27 Pasay. Three words that spoke volumes of possibilities. I switched back to playing the game and gave him smile as he walked out the doors of the doctor’s office. I never told or asked him about it.

Weeks before that I caught him as I handed him my phone to show him a message from my sister we were at my house, sitting together on the couch, watching tv . He was scrolling through my other messages. Ive always been confident about showing him my phone because I was never a big fan of texting so I rarely correspond using it even with my friends or family much more with complete strangers. But at that time I saw him read the message sent by someone he doesn’t know someone I never mentioned to him although there wasn’t any malice behind me not telling because the texter was a friends boyfriend. He just texted to say that it was nice meeting me. He didn’t ask me about it so I didn’t bother to explain. There was no use in telling him that – although I would consider my friends boyfriend fairly humpable (and that letting him diddle me did cross my mind for at least five seconds while we were getting drunk on sweet red wine in the club and that the possibility of that happening may not be entirely improbable because dear old friend was in Singapore so he asked his boyfriend to meet up with me and our other friends who came home from Australia as his proxy to our bi-annual pseudo reunion) I would never touch a friend’s boyfriend not even with a twelve foot stick! In fact I would even prohibit myself from liking someone if my friend would have a crush on him but then he didn’t need to know about all that because he never asked.

But the strangest of all these was the fact that if he did what I suspected him to have done in retaliation to what he suspected me of doing I would understand and I wouldn’t even blame him. Because I think I may have done something far worse than cheating on him. I think my inability to share my own personal burdens with another living soul may have caused me to push him away so far that right now I cant even find him in my heart anymore.

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Suck

November 25, 2008

(this is a repost from my old blogsite dated 1/10/2007)

she likes to suck

she likes to suck

His kisses were intense, not in a passionate way, it felt more like hunger. there was force and animal like frenzy but no warmth behind it. you can imagine a vampire cold as death itself trying to suck out the life force from his victim in a vain attempt to immitate what real passion would look like, while this “just turned 30” year old guy was almost devouring the lower part of my face. but if he were a vampire he certainly picked the wrong victim.

Actually he also “just turned 30” two years ago. that was the first time we met. At that time, i was still naive and generally clueless about most things. that time there was still youth to be sucked out from me. i guess he didn’t recognize me anymore. i changed alot since then. but if theres one thing that remains the same about me, its that i never forget a face. especially if that face belongs to a guy who i told right in his face that he looked like my dad. well looking at him as his face was dimly lit by the incadescent lighting he uses in his pad which i suspect he uses to hide the seven signs of skin aging (nag oil of olay na lang sana siya) he still looks like my dad.

My mind must have been playing tricks on me because he was a lot better in my memories than he was during that time. Him being a scorpio and all. I was kinda expecting more. But now I’m seeing him like I didn’t see him before. From the lighting that he uses to mask how he really looks like to the way he ravages you all over your body like hyennas would over the carcass of a fallen prey to hide the fact that he doesn’t know how to make love at all because it felt like he was trying to chew off my lips and why he would hold you down or turn your attention elsewhere because he couldn’t really get it up for too long. I didn’t really feel any animosity towards him even after what he did to me over two years ago. Infact I was kind of sad for him. Especially because he’s still using his pictures back when he was 25 years old to pick up guys over the internet.

No he didn’t break my heart or anything like that. I was naive at the time but i wasn’t stupid. I didn’t buy into any of those things he was saying before. But i must admit there was a glint of hope behind there somewhere. A hope that what if there was the slightest possibility that he wasn’t just spewing off bs. And thats what he used before to lure me in. And my reason for being there now? Just plain curiosity. Curious if he was going to recognize me. Curious if he was gonna do the same tricks he did before, recite the same tired old lines. He did attempt though but when he saw my indifference and found out that his carefully mastered verses has fallen to deaf ears he surrendered and just took it as it is. that this time around he had a willing participant who knew what was happening exactly as it is and has no dillusions otherwise.

Before I came up to his pad I noticed a name of a guy who also went to his place a day before on the guest log book. I was wondering if the name was the same age as I was when i first went there. But I certainly wasn’t the same guy who went up there 2 years ago. I guess I already lost that glint of hope that struggles to flicker in the dark no matter how shitty things were. that very same hope that gives you faith in people and makes you trust them.

It’s funny when things come into full circle like this. You get to see things from a different perspective. But the catch is, you’re not quite sure if you’re worse or better off. Am i lucky now that i can no longer be fooled by the deception the vampires play? Or am i unfortunate because I have lost a piece of my innocence that which might be the thing that the vampire desires to regain as he consumes his victims? Am i to become one of them? walking the earth longing to regain that which i have lost through my unsuspecting victims with deception and lies.

When I got off his car he said something about keeping in touch. I said “yeah sure” without even trying to sound like i mean it. and walked away.

SCREWED

November 25, 2008

for his birthday gift I allowed him to screw me for more than five minutes

for his birthday gift I allowed him to screw me for more than five minutes

For his birthday gift I allowed him to screw me for more than 5 minutes.

Me and the guy I’ve been seeing (for at least 2 months by then) were hanging out at my friend’s place. We we’re watching DVD’s and then afterwards took a dip in the pool for the afternoon. After all the activities my friend got so exhausted that he took a nap on the sofa while we were lying on the bed watching a movie about a guy living with his wife and gay lover. He wanted to do it and has been bugging me the whole day. At first he wanted to do me in the kitchen but I certainly wouldn’t have that. I may be kinky at times but I’m no exhibitionist specially when its a friend of mine who would catch me. I’m sure I’ll never hear the end of it for the rest of my life. And then there were more pressing matters that I wanted to talk about.

I wanted to wait for another time to say it to him but then I know for a fact that it will be a long time before we see each other again with our crazy schedules and all. So i told him why I’ve been having a hard time. Why its been so difficult to me to give my trust. To believe in the things I’m being told. And he told me about why he is so distant. Why he has been rushing me to commit into a relationship. Then I showed him my gift. Lube.

I signaled him to follow me to the shower while my friend was fast asleep on the couch. He immediately started kissing me all over my body as he undresses me at the same time. His lips went lower and lower until he was able to wrap it around the proof of my excitement. Then he turned me around and spread my legs apart as I grabbed hold of a towel rack while his tongue explores me from behind.

Gasping for air I managed to say “you could take your time this once”. I never allowed him (or anyone for that matter) to stay inside me for more than approximately five minutes before because by then it would already be so uncomfortable for me that I would lose all drive.

But it was more than the length of time, or the location that made this session different from the others. The talk prior to it, I guess made us emotionally charged. It was weird and exciting at the same time. He would carry me with my back against the bathroom wall and then down on the tiles of the bathroom floor where he would come and afterwards he would stay inside me as he finishes me off as I sit on his lap and we’re face to face soaked in each others sweat and saliva. It was one of the most passionate sex I ever had.

Five days later he would send me a text message telling me he went back to his ex-boyfriend and that I was just a rebound all that time.

I Hate This Part Right Here - Pussycat Dolls

First and Last

November 12, 2008

Closer to my heart, all over but never part, I lost you, Will I ever have you back - For your Love by Offer Nissm

Closer to my heart, all over but never part, I lost you, Will I ever have you back - "For your Love" by Offer Nissm

I awoke when he got into bed with me. He mumbled an explanation about seeing our friend just like he said he would before he left earlier that night, I didn’t bother to ask for details. Just like he always did he laid on his side of the bed with his back facing me and our feet tangled together. It was cold that night and noticing his shirtless back i raised the blanket to cover it. Without warning his hands found its way inside my boxers and grabbed a hold of my sleeping member. Thats the way he initiates sex. I wasn’t really feeling up to it that night tired from one whole day of trying to find a new apartment for him to move into but our relationship was on the rocks. I knew that moments like this were few and precious. So I obliged. He suddenly turned and gave me deep hungry kisses. Thats when I knew something was different. He never kissed me that way before. It was always gentle and loving. The way his mouth was pressed against mine it was like he was trying to suck the soul out of me. I ignored the thought and kissed back and felt him guiding me to his chest. I remember him telling me before when we were just starting to see each other that he likes the way I do foreplay comparing me to his then boyfriend who never did it for him. Just as I’ve always done I showered him with kisses until my mouth found its way to his navel and lower and lower until I raised his legs to let my tongue travel inside him. I looked up to see how I was doing. Then i saw him to discover that his hands were not on me, instead they were on a pillow covering his face. Thats when I knew, I was alone that night.

If it were porn and someone was watching us for the first time they would say that he was just enjoying it too much that he has to grab on to something and even had to put a pillow on his face to muffle screams of ecstasy. I tried to convince myself of that. But the whole time his hands wouldn’t reach out for me, wouldn’t allow me to shake the thought off my head. I tried to think that maybe it was just one of those times, maybe he was having a Delilah (as in Lilah-dee) moment or maybe its just my turn to be the active top tonight and him the passive bottom. I became so distracted that I wasn’t even able to will myself to get inside him. Finally we just decided to finish it with our own hands with him asking me to get on top of him. We were finally face to face but the room was pitch black that I couldn’t even see his eyes as I was trying to find reassurance that I was just being paranoid. When he came he gave me the same kiss once again. It was like kissing a stranger. I freed myself from his lips when it was my turn and buried my face on the pillow where his head rests. That time orgasm wasn’t the fruition of joy rather a relief from torture.

We didn’t shower together afterwards but then again we never do. But when I got back from washing up I did something for the first time myself, I slept with my back turned on him. That was the last time we ever slept together.

offer nissim-for your love – offer nissin