You hated the rain

I loved it. (I never did get the rain rain go away song)

Because you were born under the sun.

I was raised by the cold embrace of the rain. Nurtured by each drop of tear from the sky.

I too, was born under the sun. Its loving rays shone on me like the love flowing from everyone around.

But then the rain came pouring early in my life and since then i have lived a life of perpetual gloom with only bits of sunshine from time to time.

You came during one of those times

and I embraced your warmth and loved it because it was different from what I was used to.

rain1

“I have survived worse storms than this one”

but still, you never did understand why I loved the rain and always foretell that it was coming even though there wasn’t a cloud in sight. (I know that it eventually does just as it has always done so)

and that is why when the rain clouds came and cast a shadow on your sunshine you came running for cover.

and just as I have always done. I stayed and embraced each drop.

I learned to find beauty as fleeting and as rare as it may be in the darkest of times.

my hardened shell protects what little warmth I had inside and one thought has always managed to keep me alive. “I have survived worse storms than this one”

Advertisements

Anatomy

September 25, 2013

If only I knew then what I know now would things have been different?

Honestly, I don’t know. As far as I’m concerned I’m still pretty much the same person especially during times like this. When I’m stuck in my head and inside my chest there’s a ticking time bomb waiting to explode. No not really the best description because a time bomb would sit patiently ticking away waiting for the right time to detonate. No this one’s like trying to stop a leaking dike during a storm. You could hear the waves pounding like crazy against the wall and any moment its going to burst in and engulf everything in its path and its futile to stop it.

Self destructive. That’s one way of describing it. But then again I question the word “self” because when it happens it’s like watching somebody else take the wheels. Someone without caution. Someone who doesn’t care about the rules or consequences. Someone who’s willing to act out all of the things you’re so afraid to do. All the anger and rage on the driver’s seat and you sit shotgun in fear and at the same time, anticipation of where its going to take you.

Well it did alot of damage alright. Some more permanent than others. And then you’re left to pick up all the pieces swearing you’d never do it again. But then it happens again.

It would all start innocently first with the disappointments that you can easily handle. You tell yourself you’ve encountered so many that you’re so used to it by now and then you allow yourself a bit of escape just to clear off your head. And then you realize it’s not enough and you take a little more and some more and then another. And then the guilt sets in.

For most people guilt happens in the end but for you it just the prelude to the darkness that settles in after the guilt. You draw back from the world inside your head where no one can reach you. You embrace your loneliness like it was your long lost bestfriend. So familliar, you’ve been in each others arms so many times before. In the darkness you start dreaming. Dreaming of a different life of a better one where you didn’t get the short straw. That’s when all the interesting things start to happen.

Your mind starts racing imagning and conjuring different possibilities of the what could be and what should be. Then what follows is the yearning and longing. Of the imagined life that could never be once the dream is over.

You look around you and see how pale reality is compared to the technicolored dreams. And you grow spiteful and bitter about all the wasted efforts about all the failures and you tell yourself its not anger no its not something as petty as that but righteous indignation against a cruel world. And with that justification you pull the pin. The floodgates are now open.

And you wish the flood would take away all these emotions inside of you and for awhile it does. The aftermath has no guilt because you did it eyes wide open knowing fully well that only the ocean could engulf the burning hell of fury brewing inside you. And in the middle of all the destruction you find peace like you’ve always done before. Until the next cycle.

So I ask myself. Knowing what I know now could I do things differently? Is there any other way to live?

666

June 24, 2013

No! I won’t wear a mark on my forehead saying 666

I refuse

Not because I deny my reality

I know I’m different now

But I will not let this define me

I am so much more

I am still me

I am what I’m still yet to become

this fear hanging over my shoulder

this sadness in my heart

I must admit it is powerful

and sometimes I get overwhelmed

and shed tears for what I thought was denied of me

for the broken pieces of the what if’s and what could have been’s

let me cry for now

light a candle if you must

but I will not be branded

I know I am still more

you may clip my wings

but my spirit

soars

Image

string

September 17, 2009

string

It was the magician that gave me the push towards my decision to stay. He was doing a trick with a string while relating something that his mother told him. As he was cutting off portions of the string using fire from a lighter he shared that;

“Most people whenever they encounter hardships, difficulties or even just plain bad luck our first instinct is to detach ourselves and walk away. We become depressed and our world stops as we choose to hide away and so the learning and the growing stops as well.”

“But the truth is the world just keeps on turning even without us and we get left behind because of this.” He said as he was rolling the pieces of string together in his hand and added, “But it might be a better idea if we hold on and stay and learn from the problems that we face.” and after that he revealed the pieces of string has joined into a single piece once again. “so that we can continue on growing and moving together with the rest of the world.”

I may not be religious but I believe that God tries to reach us in different ways. I believe that he wanted me to find out about the sad news that I received earlier this week that made me think of detaching myself. I also believe that he sent that magician that night to deliver me that message that I should stay.

It is his gift to me however sad a fact it may be, it still is the truth and He is the God of truth and he wants me to learn and make something out of it.

The things left unsaid

August 13, 2009

I took them out of my secret hiding place and one gloomy afternoon I threw them all up in the sky. I sought to find release from my burden only to see them return from the sky, falling daggers being called back to earth by the pull of gravity. I knew this was inevitable (which is why I kept them locked for so long), that some of them will find him but I never really considered the fact, that I would get struck as well.One by one they struck us but I kept a brave face all througout. This was supposed to free us but why did it hurt so much?

I have been told once that some things are better left unsaid. Ive also been known to say that complete honesty is overrated if it will only cause pain and trouble. So why was I doing this? Am I so selfish and thoughtless to cause both of us pain just because I couldnt carry my burden anymore? And what about the burden? The truth that I was weak in the face of doubt. That I am not consistent in my beleiefs. That I didnt know anything. That I was scared. My heart was ripping apart as each of them struck him and in pain he told me i betrayed him.

But have I? I am not sure. I am inclined to believe so. I would like to take all the blame and make it all better again take him in my arms and hope he forgets everything. But I knew that once I let them all out I could never take them back even I couldnt ignore their existence anymore the way I have done in the past. I am not sure if what I have done was wrong or right and I am not even sure if I want to be right.I dont think I even care anymore if I was. I only feel the pain of my guilt for my betrayal. For in withholding my doubts and keeping silent I too have betrayed his trust.

But what is trust? is trust the absence of doubt? or is it the overcoming of it? I am hoping it is the latter so that atleast I may have some reprieve for my sin for enduring my doubts for so long and keeping them at bay.

I feel overwhelmed right now like a child who had played with matchstick and discovering I have created a fire I have no control over watching it consume everything I know. I am praying I did the right thing that maybe somehow if we weren’t really meant to be this would free us from false bonds and give us a brighter future with the ones we are really meant to be with but my worse nightmare is that I may have destroyed something good in my weakness, in my ignorance.

As with everything else in life. History will be my judge.