September 17, 2009


It was the magician that gave me the push towards my decision to stay. He was doing a trick with a string while relating something that his mother told him. As he was cutting off portions of the string using fire from a lighter he shared that;

“Most people whenever they encounter hardships, difficulties or even just plain bad luck our first instinct is to detach ourselves and walk away. We become depressed and our world stops as we choose to hide away and so the learning and the growing stops as well.”

“But the truth is the world just keeps on turning even without us and we get left behind because of this.” He said as he was rolling the pieces of string together in his hand and added, “But it might be a better idea if we hold on and stay and learn from the problems that we face.” and after that he revealed the pieces of string has joined into a single piece once again. “so that we can continue on growing and moving together with the rest of the world.”

I may not be religious but I believe that God tries to reach us in different ways. I believe that he wanted me to find out about the sad news that I received earlier this week that made me think of detaching myself. I also believe that he sent that magician that night to deliver me that message that I should stay.

It is his gift to me however sad a fact it may be, it still is the truth and He is the God of truth and he wants me to learn and make something out of it.



November 25, 2008

for his birthday gift I allowed him to screw me for more than five minutes

for his birthday gift I allowed him to screw me for more than five minutes

For his birthday gift I allowed him to screw me for more than 5 minutes.

Me and the guy I’ve been seeing (for at least 2 months by then) were hanging out at my friend’s place. We we’re watching DVD’s and then afterwards took a dip in the pool for the afternoon. After all the activities my friend got so exhausted that he took a nap on the sofa while we were lying on the bed watching a movie about a guy living with his wife and gay lover. He wanted to do it and has been bugging me the whole day. At first he wanted to do me in the kitchen but I certainly wouldn’t have that. I may be kinky at times but I’m no exhibitionist specially when its a friend of mine who would catch me. I’m sure I’ll never hear the end of it for the rest of my life. And then there were more pressing matters that I wanted to talk about.

I wanted to wait for another time to say it to him but then I know for a fact that it will be a long time before we see each other again with our crazy schedules and all. So i told him why I’ve been having a hard time. Why its been so difficult to me to give my trust. To believe in the things I’m being told. And he told me about why he is so distant. Why he has been rushing me to commit into a relationship. Then I showed him my gift. Lube.

I signaled him to follow me to the shower while my friend was fast asleep on the couch. He immediately started kissing me all over my body as he undresses me at the same time. His lips went lower and lower until he was able to wrap it around the proof of my excitement. Then he turned me around and spread my legs apart as I grabbed hold of a towel rack while his tongue explores me from behind.

Gasping for air I managed to say “you could take your time this once”. I never allowed him (or anyone for that matter) to stay inside me for more than approximately five minutes before because by then it would already be so uncomfortable for me that I would lose all drive.

But it was more than the length of time, or the location that made this session different from the others. The talk prior to it, I guess made us emotionally charged. It was weird and exciting at the same time. He would carry me with my back against the bathroom wall and then down on the tiles of the bathroom floor where he would come and afterwards he would stay inside me as he finishes me off as I sit on his lap and we’re face to face soaked in each others sweat and saliva. It was one of the most passionate sex I ever had.

Five days later he would send me a text message telling me he went back to his ex-boyfriend and that I was just a rebound all that time.

I Hate This Part Right Here - Pussycat Dolls

First and Last

November 12, 2008

Closer to my heart, all over but never part, I lost you, Will I ever have you back - For your Love by Offer Nissm

Closer to my heart, all over but never part, I lost you, Will I ever have you back - "For your Love" by Offer Nissm

I awoke when he got into bed with me. He mumbled an explanation about seeing our friend just like he said he would before he left earlier that night, I didn’t bother to ask for details. Just like he always did he laid on his side of the bed with his back facing me and our feet tangled together. It was cold that night and noticing his shirtless back i raised the blanket to cover it. Without warning his hands found its way inside my boxers and grabbed a hold of my sleeping member. Thats the way he initiates sex. I wasn’t really feeling up to it that night tired from one whole day of trying to find a new apartment for him to move into but our relationship was on the rocks. I knew that moments like this were few and precious. So I obliged. He suddenly turned and gave me deep hungry kisses. Thats when I knew something was different. He never kissed me that way before. It was always gentle and loving. The way his mouth was pressed against mine it was like he was trying to suck the soul out of me. I ignored the thought and kissed back and felt him guiding me to his chest. I remember him telling me before when we were just starting to see each other that he likes the way I do foreplay comparing me to his then boyfriend who never did it for him. Just as I’ve always done I showered him with kisses until my mouth found its way to his navel and lower and lower until I raised his legs to let my tongue travel inside him. I looked up to see how I was doing. Then i saw him to discover that his hands were not on me, instead they were on a pillow covering his face. Thats when I knew, I was alone that night.

If it were porn and someone was watching us for the first time they would say that he was just enjoying it too much that he has to grab on to something and even had to put a pillow on his face to muffle screams of ecstasy. I tried to convince myself of that. But the whole time his hands wouldn’t reach out for me, wouldn’t allow me to shake the thought off my head. I tried to think that maybe it was just one of those times, maybe he was having a Delilah (as in Lilah-dee) moment or maybe its just my turn to be the active top tonight and him the passive bottom. I became so distracted that I wasn’t even able to will myself to get inside him. Finally we just decided to finish it with our own hands with him asking me to get on top of him. We were finally face to face but the room was pitch black that I couldn’t even see his eyes as I was trying to find reassurance that I was just being paranoid. When he came he gave me the same kiss once again. It was like kissing a stranger. I freed myself from his lips when it was my turn and buried my face on the pillow where his head rests. That time orgasm wasn’t the fruition of joy rather a relief from torture.

We didn’t shower together afterwards but then again we never do. But when I got back from washing up I did something for the first time myself, I slept with my back turned on him. That was the last time we ever slept together.

offer nissim-for your love – offer nissin